fangirlforspb

It was hard to discuss it today.  But it's out there now. I'm half in love with you and I've been trying to hold it all in. Now that I've said it I don't have to say it again. I'm glad we're over that hump and we can continue to be good friends.  And yes, hanging out with you is the highlight of my days. I just wish we could have more time together. But I'm glad for the time we have.

 I'm just so sad lately. He knows I love him, I told him so in an email.  These are trying times for us both but mine is not something I can do anything about.

 I leaned towards him as he was installing my computer and the fresh clean scent that came off of him was wonderous. I could have stayed like that for hours.

 This really fucking sucks and I'm at the point that I thank the gods that the warm weather is coming. I need to be away and doing things instead of mooning over the fact that I love him and he doesn't love me. I just wish I never came to this company.

  I really missed you this weekend. It was beautiful out and all I could think about how perfect the weather was and how I would like to have been out walking with you. Sometimes it's just so damn hard to get you out of my head. I try,I really really do. But there are these things you do and say that makes me nuts. Things that make me want to grab you by the hand and dance with you. FECK!!

Yesterday I left early, no time for lunch. today you were out most of the day no time for lunch. tomorrow I'm leaving early again, no time for lunch.

 I feel like I havent' seen you all week and I miss you desperately.  I won't see you till Monday and that sucks. You are the bright spot in my day like I am to yours.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU. 

 I just want to say it out loud. I want everyone hear me say it. I know you don't love me , I know that you care for me though.  I know if I'm hurt you'd be there for me. As well as when I'm happy, estatic, spastic and blue. 

 If I"m never anything more than your friend I'll always be happy to have that. 

  My resolve lasted all of a day. You offered breakfast and like a fool I agreed. We sat down to oatmeal and I tried to keep the conversation to a minimum. As I was ready to get up I asked if he had gotten my email. I figured he didn't since he was kind of acting like we always do and not a man that needed to get his shit together and all that family stuff. 
 This is his reply to my question:

But as I was about to say before more people came in.

 I very much appreciate your understanding and wanting to give me some space and time to get my shit together but much more importantly I don’t want you to worry about me.  We both have enough to worry about in our lives.

 This is a strange a trying time for both of us and to be honest since you ‘dialed back’ I find I’m missing our daily interaction.  Hanging with you is one of the bright spots of my days.

My answer:

 I try not to worry about you because it’s not really my place to do so. Unfortunately it seems I do anyway.

While I miss our daily interactions as well, I find that I am way too emotionally vested in our friendship. I am trying to really dial it back because I find I rely on you way too much in my daily life.  

  I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I rely on you far too much. I am way overly emotionaly involved. I have to be the one to put the relationship in reverse. The only way I know how to do that is to be a bitch. Which I don't want to do. What I can do is not text, not have breakfast with you nor lunch either. 

  I'm not going to purchase items with you in mind. I even think I'm going nix the whole SWF idea. The only thing I'll lose money on is the tickets to get in and for the tea. 

 I have to put some real distance between us if I plan on staying here. 

 I hate it when I'm right. I hate that my intuition or my "second sight" is spot on. Today I got the whole " well Maureen and I had a fight and I'm not sure I can go to Tavern." No shit, I knew you were going to back out.  Seriously, whatever. 

  It was actually fun. Probably because you wife didn't interact with me and I spent most of the time in the kitchen with you. It almost was like we were at work and having our usual conversations. I'm glad I went 

  i'm going to be in your house watching some stupid football game. Where you and your wife and your adorable boys live sleep and are a family together. I'm not sure why accepted the invitation but I know it was the worst thing I could have done. I would like more than anything to pretend that she didn't exsist and I was there in her place wtih those precious kids and you. I have no idea how I will keep my emotions in check.